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deer country | ic inbox
the arms of the ocean are carrying me
the arms of the ocean delivered me
[ text | voice | omen | action ]
the arms of the ocean are carrying me
the arms of the ocean delivered me
[ text | voice | omen | action ]
the arms of the ocean are carrying me
the arms of the ocean delivered me
[ text | voice | omen | action ]
no subject
'...I think it was a memory.'
Peter gives a soft sound, a sharp breath drawn inwards. A particular pain needles into his heart, feels like something's burrowed right through him. By now, he's learned that a couple of his own memories have leaked to others; thankfully, they're isolated incidents, and seem to only be to people he knows well, but.... there's a horror spreading through him to think which one Luna might have seen. Was it Mom? Was it— Charlie? He can barely breathe, though his heart is pounding away suddenly.
Then Luna says it was a classroom, back in his home, and.... Peter's eyes are widening over her shoulder, lips parted softly. She saw.... that, that time. That thing that felt like a nightmare.
He'd watched it play out once, too. Back in Deerington, when the dream had taken him back into one of his memories. Fern had been there with him. Watching it had been.... surreal, and horrifying; seeing himself from the outside, the particular way the demon had worked him. Unable to properly be inside him, wrenching its way in for just that brief moment; it had been so... wrong. He'd been so wrong. Face twisted, limbs caught, trapped and straining against his own skin. He hadn't even looked like himself. And the pain was— almost unbearable.
There's another soft sound as he hears the tears in Luna's voice, and Peter's hugging onto her for another moment before he gently eases back a little, just enough so that he can look down at her. She'd seen that, seen that awful thing play out.... seen how he looked and heard the sounds he'd made.
And— ....the demon had been inside of her, too. Hurt her, too. Peter wasn't there to see it himself, but he's gotten.... glimpses of it, through dreams sometimes. Through Paimon. It's still almost too horrible a thought for him to comprehend, that botched possession. His most precious person, knowing the white-hot snap of bone between your eyes, the rush of blood, the searing pain so intense it knocks you out—
Peter gently finds her hands against his own trembling pair and slowly coaxes her to sit down with him on the bottom step, both because he feels a little dizzy, and for some attempt to soothe her. He's wrapping both arms around Luna again, keeping her tucked in close to his body. )
I'm sorry. I'm sorry you saw that. I— I never wanted you to.
( As much as she doesn't want him to see certain parts of her past... he doesn't want her to, either. It only hurts the other to see someone they love in so much pain. Peter's silent for a moment, just holding onto Luna and giving uneven little breaths, before he finally speaks up again. He hasn't voiced it like this before, and it comes slow and quiet. )
...It happened the day before I woke up in Deerington. I didn't know what he was. I—I just thought— something was after me. Or that I was going crazy.
My dad came to get me, and I think he thought... I did it to myself.
no subject
I shouldn't have watched it. [ There's plenty regret in her voice. It feels like too much of an intrusion, having watched the memory. She feels horrible for it. Maybe she could have looked away, turned her Omni off so she didn't have to watch it. ] I just... I could have done something to not see it. I don't know. I'm sorry.
[ There's a little breath, a shuddering exhale. She's miserable in that long silence. She can't answer why she didn't do those things, why she didn't just not watch it. She should have, it wasn't the first time this had happened. But she just... she didn't do anything. ]
I never thought to ask how. Maybe it was just something that happened in Deerington, before I met you. [ Plenty of things happen in Deerington. Merlin knows there's been plenty of injuries between them in their time within the dream. ]
... I suppose you could hardly blame him for thinking such a thing, if he did. [ She wouldn't like to think his father would. But even admittedly, Luna can't say she knows Steve Graham all that well. ] Neither of you could have possibly known what was going on.
no subject
No— No, hey. It's okay. You don't have to be sorry. Not to me. ( He tries to reassure her through regret; he can hear it there so miserably in her voice, and he knows it too, too well. He knows exactly how he'd feel if he'd been the one to see some painful memory from Luna's past. It was... difficult enough to see evidence of some of the torment she'd faced back home from her peers. When he'd literally stepped into one of her memories, and it was mostly good, it was golden afternoons and sweet treats, but... it was hard to see even that tiny piece of something bad. Hard to see any ounce of ache from Luna's past. (No wonder Paimon started hissing at those students, in all honesty.......)
But he doesn't want her to regret it. He doesn't want that. Peter gives her a squeeze and presses his nose against her hair for a moment, nuzzling into her like that, exhaling another shaky breath of his own as they wrap themselves in one another, trembling. )
Henry wanted me to see a doctor in Deerington about it, while it was healing. But I was so scared back then. I—I couldn't... trust anybody.
( There's a name he doesn't often say aloud, though he thinks of Henry Coles often. How he'd showed up on her lawn bleeding and so wrong. He'd scared her.
She'd still helped him inside. )
No, you're right. ( A soft sigh, gentle against Luna's hair. Peter closes his eyes for a moment. ) Everything was so wrong. After Charlie. ( The lump in his throat appears so suddenly that it catches him off-guard, and he stutters a little. ) We were all... falling apart. I could barely tell what was real and what wasn't. And I kept— seeing weird things. Hearing weird things, feeling them. Looking back, I guess... he was after me all that time.
( It's still something Peter's so rarely thought back to. Still flinches away from so sharply. But it's similar incidents that led to him meeting Luna in the first place, he reflects on quietly. )
...When I met you, he was still— like that. Getting upset all of a sudden. I think being in classrooms.... set him off.
no subject
[ It's uttered weakly in the face of his assurances and she exhales heavily, burying her face a little harder against his shirt. She does feel terrible for it, knowing she could have simply turned it off, not watched it, anything other than watching what was a very terrible and awful memory from home. But she's said it, offered the apology. She's still going to be glum over it all, eyes falling shut with a little groan of sadness as he gently squeezes her and nestles against her.
There's a pause at that, her eyes opening again. Henry wanting him to go see a doctor. Not just the mention of her, someone even Luna admittedly misses in her own small way, but she remembers the conversation she'd had with Ange a little while ago. Peter... going to see someone, if it were possible. ]
... do you ever think you would? Go to a doctor? Perhaps to talk about things? [ She leaves it open for him. In truth, Luna doesn't really know if he'd ever want to. It's hard, with everything. ]
'The sky has lost a star'. [ She utters it softly, sadly. Maybe she's already told him that before, she doesn't remember. ] My dad used to say that when a child died. ... I think I understand why. Where there's supposed to be light, there's only darkness now, and we get lost in the dark.
[ It... would have been too easy for the hands directing Paimon, wouldn't it? Peter was lost in the dark, his parents too. It leaves Luna with a cold feeling in her stomach. ]
I thought he was a curse, like someone had cursed you. [ Her brow furrows slightly as she recalls their first meeting. It had been so strange. ] Something... wild, and powerful. Maybe it was the classroom, maybe he was lost too.
[ No one to guide him, no hands to direct him. Maybe it was easier to lean back on the things he'd done before Peter ended up in Deerington. There's a long silence from her as she mulls it over before she speaks up once more. ]
Is it why you so upset when you first saw me? [ When John had gone to fetch her, brought her round to his place; her face bruised and swollen — death hadn't fixed those injuries. Even through the haze of exhaustion and illness, she remembered how he'd cried out when he'd saw her. ]
Because he'd broken your nose too? He'd done the same to me?
no subject
( Peter says softly, reaching up to give Luna's hair a gentle stroke with his fingers. Trench is so different in so many ways, but something at the core is the same. This place knows them. Knows what's inside them. It can bring it out. Even Corruption is... personal, individualised. Different depending on the person. But there's not an ounce of him that's upset with her for this. He's only sorry she had to see it at all.
The question that comes after a few moments takes him by a quiet surprise, and he sits there for a few moments longer, thinking. A doctor to "talk about things" is... a very particular type of doctor, isn't it. )
I'm not sure. ( He admits, gazing down at the floor. ) I guess... I probably should, someday. But— I think I'm scared to.
( There's... a lot he's afraid of, regarding that. Talking about things is still so difficult, and the thought of trusting anyone... He's kept his losses and aches so close to himself for a very long time. )
Have you ever thought about it before? Talking to someone? ( Because he knows Luna has her own demons, her own losses and aches and traumas. )
Your dad had a really good way of putting things. ( He says softly, sadly, giving her another little squeeze at the mention of her father. That's... very much how it feels. Like a light has gone out and it can't ever come back, and the universe itself feels that loss. And then there was the way Charlie had died..... something Peter still can't tell Luna about, not in detail. Not yet. Maybe not ever. It was.. impossible for his family to be anything but broken, after that. They split wide open like a wound. )
Yeah, he used to really... freak out the most in classrooms. That's actually how I really got to know Ben. He um... helped me through a bad time there. Like you did.
( Another name that Peter hasn't voiced aloud in a long, long time. It rubs against his throat a little, makes it feel raw. He swallows, and then Luna's asking something that hurts in a different way. The memory hasn't left him, the severity of it: seeing Luna that way. Slowly, Peter unpeels himself from her a little, only so he can turn to look down at her. A hand gently reaches up to frame her face, thumb brushing over the bridge of her nose, barely touching. He feels like he wants to cry, but he doesn't, just frowns sadly at her, practically whispers the reply. )
Yeah. It was my worst nightmare come true. That he'd.... hurt you, that same way. Seeing you like that... ( His lids flutter slightly and he shudders. )
I've had nightmares about it. I think sometimes we... share them. And I'll.... be seeing it happen, like I'm the one inside you. Like I'm the one hurting you.