[Hoo boy. Little bit to unpack there. She read it and thought about arguing full tilt, but refrained. No, she'd heard the argument before, and there was something that needed to be said, but she also knew that some people tried to believe this way, that it was war, you couldn't hate people because of what happened in war.]
That's good in principle, the idea that we're all noble about war and don't blame each other. Reality is rarely that kind, and emotions blind us to forgiveness. That was my last two years, and we'll leave that at that.
[She wasn't going to discuss the matter of Roman further, she figured. It would only get her mad, and that was something that she was trying very hard not to be about this and a lot of other things. It still wasn't easy. There were still nights that, if she was honest, she wanted to burn Ruby and Cinder in effigy. There were just a lot fewer of those nights than there'd been before.]
So, that is the fact of where I was when I arrived. But you asked me what changed, and now that you know where I was, fair or foul, this is what changed.
Ruby.
I 'get' why a lot of you are mad at me about what happened, because I genuinely understand now why we lost to that girl. She is probably one of the most genuinely "Good" people I've ever met in my life, Luna. When I tried to kill her the very day I showed up, she tried to make peace afterwards and to find a way to help me. She took responsibility for her part in the conflict, and we spoke on several occasions about it, even while I was still actively trying. And it was Ruby who told me, on the day that I thought Roman and myself might be nothing more than a figment of some girl's imagination that she believed in Roman. Ruby might be afraid of me, but she actually cares about me. I'm pretty sure she cared about Roman, and I know she cares about Emerald. And believe me when I say that neither Emerald nor I have earned much of her caring or forgiveness.
So, the first part of what changed things is Ruby. Months, and months of that idiot refusing to give up on me started wearing me down. Saving my life, defending Roman's memory, apologizing for what happened, not throwing me under the bus, wishing I didn't get executed.
There's other things that changed. I've made friends in this place, who care about both of us. I've started falling in love with someone, which is one thing to live for that isn't Roman. I've realized that Roman and I were on the wrong side of the war, even if I don't fault him or think less of him for his choice.
But it started with Ruby.
And to be clear: I was ready to forgive her when I ended up killing her. I own that I did it, because for years I wanted to, and I didn't do enough to avoid slipping away. But it wasn't my active intention to do it. I went crazy with some crap people called "Despair." Swirly eyes and all. I personally don't think it's an excuse, but it will clear up that I don't plan to ever do it again.
no subject
That's good in principle, the idea that we're all noble about war and don't blame each other.
Reality is rarely that kind, and emotions blind us to forgiveness.
That was my last two years, and we'll leave that at that.
[She wasn't going to discuss the matter of Roman further, she figured. It would only get her mad, and that was something that she was trying very hard not to be about this and a lot of other things. It still wasn't easy. There were still nights that, if she was honest, she wanted to burn Ruby and Cinder in effigy. There were just a lot fewer of those nights than there'd been before.]
So, that is the fact of where I was when I arrived.
But you asked me what changed, and now that you know where I was, fair or foul, this is what changed.
Ruby.
I 'get' why a lot of you are mad at me about what happened, because I genuinely understand now why we lost to that girl.
She is probably one of the most genuinely "Good" people I've ever met in my life, Luna.
When I tried to kill her the very day I showed up, she tried to make peace afterwards and to find a way to help me.
She took responsibility for her part in the conflict, and we spoke on several occasions about it, even while I was still actively trying.
And it was Ruby who told me, on the day that I thought Roman and myself might be nothing more than a figment of some girl's imagination that she believed in Roman.
Ruby might be afraid of me, but she actually cares about me.
I'm pretty sure she cared about Roman, and I know she cares about Emerald.
And believe me when I say that neither Emerald nor I have earned much of her caring or forgiveness.
So, the first part of what changed things is Ruby.
Months, and months of that idiot refusing to give up on me started wearing me down.
Saving my life, defending Roman's memory, apologizing for what happened, not throwing me under the bus, wishing I didn't get executed.
There's other things that changed.
I've made friends in this place, who care about both of us.
I've started falling in love with someone, which is one thing to live for that isn't Roman.
I've realized that Roman and I were on the wrong side of the war, even if I don't fault him or think less of him for his choice.
But it started with Ruby.
And to be clear: I was ready to forgive her when I ended up killing her.
I own that I did it, because for years I wanted to, and I didn't do enough to avoid slipping away.
But it wasn't my active intention to do it.
I went crazy with some crap people called "Despair." Swirly eyes and all.
I personally don't think it's an excuse, but it will clear up that I don't plan to ever do it again.
At least, not as long as I'm in my right mind.